America's True Origin Story
It’s 1776, and the Founding Fathers are sitting around a table, exhausted, mildly intoxicated, and increasingly annoyed with Britain. Thomas Jefferson clears his throat. “Gentlemen, I have an idea. We declare independence, start our own country, and call it… America.” Everyone nods. “Pretty good,” says Benjamin Franklin. “But here’s the important question: is it going to be Awesome?” Silence. “Absolutely,” says Jefferson.
Story Continued
“We’ll have eagles.” “Big ones?” asks Franklin. “Huge.” “Guns?” “Obviously.” “Flags?” “Everywhere.” “We’ll put one on the moon.” “Why?” “No idea. But it’ll look incredible.” Jesus suggests fireworks. Someone else suggests hamburgers, baseball, pickup trucks, and giant roadside attractions shaped like things that absolutely do not need to be giant. “What about a national anthem?” Franklin asks. “Make it difficult to sing,” Jefferson says. “Preferably while drunk.” Heads nod and the high-five is invented.